In the 1970s many a young director got his bones by getting Pam Grier to don a skimpy wife beater and some panties, prance around all sweaty, and occasionally get into a brawl with some dykes at your standard issue women’s prison. Journeyman exploitioneer Jack Hill got in on the craze with The Big Doll House. Pam Grier goes to jail for killing her husband, meets all kinds of degenerate women, and breaks out in a hail of boobs and bullets. Come for the tits, stay for the violence.
3/5
However bad you think The Exorcist 2: The Heretic might be, I can almost guarantee that you’re incorrect. The Exorcist 2, which brings in Oscar winning actors Louise Fletcher and Sir Richard Burton to flank the returning Linda Blair, is perhaps one of the worst sequels ever made. The degree to which the director staffs minor roles with Hollywood heavyweights (Max von Sydow, James Earl Jones, and the man who broke the unprotected gay sex barrier in Hollywood, Ned Beatty) is testament to the desperation he must have felt working with the world’s most boring horror script. Lots of heavy-handed dialogue between Burton (looking like Drunky McSweatsalot in every scene) representing faith and Fletcher (looking positvely Lincolnesque) representing science. Lots of lights being shined in Linda Blair’s face. Lots of Burton mumbling around the African desert. Not a lot of sense made.
“Don’t you ever want a woman, father?” “Yes.” Creepy.
2/5
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The film that kicked off the dystopian sports epic, Death Race 2000, is also the film the broke the mold. Camp fascist aesthetic? Check. Overly smarmy media personality? Check. Human blood sport? Check. Gratuitous ass and titties? Check, except apparently Mary Woronov had it in her contract that she wasn’t showing her goodies. Directed by Paul Bartel, produced by Roger Corman, and starring David Carradine. Plot? Who gives a shit about the plot? What is this, the fucking Piano? See Carradine and Sly Stallone running pedestrians over for bonus points in the most deadly race on four wheels. Also, Kobra Kai dude. WATCH WATCH WATCH NOW.
Check out the bonus features on the DVD for Roger “Swell Picture” Corman saying old man stuff like “I never saw [Sly] as a leading man, I saw him as more of a big heavy.” Whatever, Rog… what the fuck ever.
4/5
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Lucio Fulci makes more stylish horror than perhaps anyone else in the history of cinema- and yes, I’m including Mario Bava. In The Beyond we see not only his trademark stylish camera work, but also a creeptacular tale of superstition and the supernatural in Louisiana that would rival anything out of the best of H.P. Lovecraft. Fulci wanted to explore the dead and the living bleeding over to one another in the surrealist tradition of his hero Antonin Artaud. A young artist is crucified by a mob who suspect him of witcraft. Sixty years later, at the Seven Doors Hotel, scene of the crucifixion, a young woman begins renovating her inheritance to re-open it for business. The renovation process opens the Seven Gates of Hell. Look for slick camera work, eerie metaphysical happenings, and an atheistic / pessimistic view of the afterlife in the Fulci masterwork, The Beyond.
4.5/5
A simultaneous celebration of the women in prison idiom, as well as a lampoon on it, Reform School Girls with the incomparable Wendy O. Williams will rock your socks, provided that you are wearing any. Lots of group shower scenes and cat fights, as well as corrupt prison establishment. But more to the point, Wendy O. Williams walking around half naked being a total bitch for an hour and a half. What more do you really need to know other than that? Deacon Blues doesn’t really think much other knowledge is necessary.
4.5/5
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Mario Bava does what he does best in Black Sunday (originally called La Maschera del Demonio). Highly stylized camera work, shocking images of violence, and organic creepiness make this the most gothic thing on celluloid that wasn’t produced by Hammer or Universal. A vampire / witch is put to death for her dealings with Satan and comes back 200 years later to feast upon the blood of her own descendants. A gripping exploration of feminine sexual violence, and a masterpiece of cinematography, as well as a straight out, fun as all get out thrill ride.
4.5/5
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A strangely hyper-late-1980’s martial arts film, Bloodsport (starring who else but Jean-Claude Van Damme) is notable for introducing the Muscles from Brussels to American audiences, as well as prefiguring the MMA craze of the 1990s. Based on the alleged true story of Frank Dux (PROTIP: he’s a liar and his story is bullshit) and his battle in an underground, multi-art, no holds bared Hong Kong fighting tournament called the kumite. You’ll see JCVD doing splits and super high kicks before he defeats a bevvy of Asiatics and takes the kumite title. Spoiler alert?
3/5
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The Queens of the Bs, Linda Blair stars in Roller Boogie, a well-made, entertaining, and far less confusing than Xanadu (but what isn’t?). Bear with me if any of these plot elements sound familiar. He’s just a working class kid from the Jersey Shore. She’s an upper crust genius on the flute. Will they fall in love against all odds? Save the roller rink from mobsters? Win the Boogie Contest? I think you may know the answer to all of the above. Sadly, however, it lacks a “Hey guys! Let’s save the roller rink! Come on!” montage. Pitch perfect picture from the days when spandex clad quad roller skaters roamed the Earth.
4/5
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Big Trouble in Little China is one of those movies that’s just as good when you’re 25 as it is when you’re 8. A centuries old battle between factions of warring Chinese magicians erupts onto the streets of San Francisco, as a Chinese immortal searches for a Chinese girl with green eyes. Kurt Russell does his best John Wayne, Dennis Dun shows himself as one of the best Asian-American character actors out there. It’s a great piece of Americana, and the last major studio film directed by John Carpenter. All aboard the Pork Chop Express!
5/5
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Buy Big Trouble In Little China OST on Limited Edition 2-Disc Set with Bonus Tracks at Amazon!
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The other product of my Evening With Linda Blair… Hell Night. Lady Linda was nominated for a Razzie award in this one, a post-Halloween slasher flick that’s definitely above average, but without a lot of surprises. Personally, I think that it’s basically the same movie as Night of the Demons, but not as good, and without Linnea Quigley. Then again, NotD doesn’t have Linda Blair. What a conundrum!
3/5
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