As with last month’s showing of Torso and Pieces, this was totally worth leaving the house. I urge everyone to check out the Portland Grindhouse Film Festival website and see what they’ve been up to for the past few years. The basics: really cool, 70s and 80s blaxploitation, revenge, martial arts, and proto-slasher / giallo fare at one of the best looking theaters in Portland, OR, The Hollywood on Stark.

Last month was a double feature of giallo, making this month’s showing of The Toolbox Murders a bit of a sequel to last month. You can see the influence of the giallos, with the faceless killer wielding shiny implements of destruction, as well as the elements of whodunit. A ski-masked killer begins killing women young and old with things found in your father’s toolbox. Stupid cops don’t have the slightest idea how to track him. This film is probably most interesting because it was recently remade by Tobe Hooper, but nothing really sets it apart. Even as a video nasty it’s fairly tame. The last twenty minutes vacillate quickly between creepy fun, creepy weird, and creepy stupid. The abrupt ending doesn’t help things either. Fun at parts, but a lot less in the way of tits and gore than I expected.

3/5

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGZJjfjUqN0

I also had the misfortune of sitting behind an asshat making running commentary. In the interests of helping men, women, and their children who both wish to watch a movie and engage in some form of audience participation, I offer the following handy guide to heckling or “misting” movies:

* If you’re there by yourself, keep your fucking mouth shut. Like most people with no friends, you probably fail at humor but think you’re funny because you can quote South Park.

* If you’re there with friends, keep your jokes to them. Friends think you’re funny. Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

* Comments about the stupidity of a movie or technical / continuity errors may be burning a hole in your tongue, but no one else wants to hear them. Anyone with a 10th grade education can see where low-budget movies don’t quite measure up to the major studio productions. You are not smart or special for noticing it.

* Publicly announced comments are fine, with the following parameter: Imagine that if no one laughs, you’re going to get punched in the face. With that in mind, make the decision to announce or not announce.

* If you’re looking around to see if anyone else thinks you’re funny, they don’t. Add to your fail points.

* If you desperately need attention, get drunk and throw things at the screen. It’s less irritating than your unfunny jokes.

Buy The Toolbox Murders on DVD at Amazon!
Buy The Toolbox Murders 11×17 Poster Print at Amazon!
Buy The Toolbox Murders 11×17 Poster Print FRAMED at Amazon!
Buy The Toolbox Murders 27×40 Poster Print at Amazon!